Unspoken, Yet Understood: When Silence Speaks of Love
Exploring the quiet depths of human connection, where true affection is felt, not spoken
In his subtle yet stirring way, Milan Kundera once remarked, “You can’t measure the mutual affection of two human beings by the number of words they exchange.” At first glance, it appears to be a poetic observation about communication. But beneath the surface lies a compelling psychological truth: love and connection are not always spoken—they are felt, lived, and quietly known.
In an age where communication is constant—text messages ping all day, social media thrives on wordy captions, and relationships are often judged by how frequently couples “check in” with each other—Kundera’s words present a powerful counterpoint. He reminds us that the depth of a bond is not always in how much we say, but in how well we understand.
Affection Beyond Words: What Psychology Tells Us
Modern psychology supports the notion that non-verbal communication plays a foundational role in relationships. According to Dr. Albert Mehrabian, a pioneer in body language research, only 7% of emotional meaning is conveyed through words, while 38% comes from tone of voice, and 55% from body language. Though this specific formula applies mostly to moments of emotional expression, it highlights how limited words alone can be.
Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth, also underscores the importance of emotional attunement over verbal exchange. Secure attachments are
formed not through endless dialogue but through consistent presence, eye contact, emotional mirroring, and a sense of being "seen" and "held" emotionally. In securely attached relationships, silence doesn’t signal absence—it often signals safety.
Silence as a Language of Trust
There is a certain sacredness to silence when shared between two people who truly connect. It reflects comfort. It shows that neither feels pressured to entertain or reassure. In many ways, silence is a litmus test for emotional intimacy. As psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott put it, in the presence of a truly attuned other, one can “be alone while someone else is present.”
This capacity—to exist together in quiet without discomfort—is not emptiness; it’s fullness. It is the space where affection has matured beyond performance and words into deep presence.
The Dangers of Over-Reliance on Verbal Affirmation
In his book The Art of Loving, Erich Fromm warns that love in modern society has become confused with frequent verbal affirmation. He notes that people often use expressions of love as substitutes for love itself. Saying "I love you" repeatedly, while meaningful, can become a hollow ritual if not backed by genuine emotional resonance and understanding.
Similarly, psychologist Susan Johnson, creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), emphasizes that emotional connection is about responsiveness and accessibility—being emotionally present—not necessarily being talkative. When partners or close friends feel "tuned into" each other, their need for constant verbal validation decreases.
Kundera’s Wisdom in Everyday Life
We’ve all known someone with whom conversations are effortless—but not because of how much is said. Rather, it's the shared sense of understanding that doesn’t need to be explained. A glance during a crowded gathering. A touch on the hand when words would fail. The ability to sit on a bench, watch the sky, and feel everything without uttering a thing.
These are not small moments. They are, as Kundera subtly suggests, some of the most intimate.
Embracing the Unspoken
Milan Kundera’s quote isn’t a call to silence—it’s a reminder not to confuse speech with connection. In a world that increasingly values the visible and the vocal, we must learn to recognize the profound significance of quiet, of pause, of presence.
The deepest connections are often those that do not need constant explanation. They thrive in silence not because nothing is happening, but because everything is.
So the next time you find yourself sharing a quiet moment with someone you care about, don’t rush to fill the space. Let it be. Let the silence speak. Chances are, it already is.
